Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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