just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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