Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
