my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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