Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
