so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
