I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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