so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
