Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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