He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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