I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
