I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You're like the curious george of whores
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
