Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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