textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
