i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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