after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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