Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
