Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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