Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
