Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
