The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
