just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
