My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Im part way to drunk.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
