You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
