i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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