I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
