Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
