My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize