Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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