my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Is Oprah even human
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
