she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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