dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
