so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
false alarm, still single
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
