omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize