Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize