i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
