Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
