My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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