he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
