I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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