He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
