i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
