I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
