My brain says no but my pants say off.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
