So drunk its hurt
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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