your thong is hanging out like whoa
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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