so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
