i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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