I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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