The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
