Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize