Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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