Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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