my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sext me about skeletons
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
