A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
