Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize