I feel great
I just peed on a car
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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