why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
