soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i came on her dog
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
