I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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