I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
