Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
